Where Did This Start? / The Battle for my Mind

Originally, I thought this battle, the one I've currently been fighting in my mind, started about two years ago. After researching, I realized I was right, but my "condition" has been a part of my life for nearly all of my life and I could have been better prepared if I was more aware.

You see, the situations that I've been battling, or that set off my current frame of mind, began around two years ago when one of my daughters began having extremely frequent, and seemingly inexplicable, stomach problems. This led to a long and drawn out series of events that led me to feel like an awful parent.

As I've taken the last couple of months to seriously heal from the pain in my mind though, I've realized the way my mind works and the fact that it can easily slide into a seriously depressed and manic condition has been present for a long time. If I admitted exactly how long, it would be like admitting to my age though and that's hard for me to do as well.

Incident #1
In going back I recall events when I was a teenager that led me to want to just not be part of this world. Not necessarily die or anything, but just be away from the world and the craziness associated with it all. I did reach out in a suicidal manner, but I'm not sure why and can only guess it was all I knew to do to ask for help at the time.

Incident #2
I was married young and we had some marital problems early in our marriage during which I was prone to mental issues and had a mental breakdown. However, believing so strongly in the sanctity of marriage, we worked at it and got back together. We had our first child in when I was in my early 20s. (Notice me trying not to age myself too much again.)

A few years later, we had another child, but shortly thereafter our marriage fell apart again. This time for good. The first few years after the break up were difficult and I was a mess - all over again. This time I had children to live for and knew they needed me even though I thought they would be better off without me as an example.


Incident #3
The most recent incident, and the most major of them all really. I was more mentally lost and instable during the last 9 or so months than I can ever recall. I have had several mental break downs and was finally put on medical disability by my psychiatrist in late March. I am going to be returning to work, finally, next week.

We've taken out a home equity loan on our home because the disability claim was denied even though my leave was approved by our HR department at my office. We're in the appeal process, but I'm not very hopeful. That's more than two months worth of salary completely lost, except what little vacation I had saved. It's put us in a very financially bad place which has made the stress even worse.


So, where did it all start? I think this has to be part of my chemical make up. Part of the way that I am. I believe it because each of these incidents were separate and I know I could not control what was going on in each situation on my own. It is only now, however, that I admit and realize that this is an ongoing and life long battle with a mental illness in my head that I am going to have to watch for and monitor and stay on top of for the rest of my life.

Previously, I thought I was going through a depression at different points in my life due to some type of issue that would depress anyone. To some degree, that may be true. I now believe that I am incapable of handling the depression in the same way as any other "normal" depressed person would though. I am Bipolar and I am learning what that means and how to live with it.

I was told, during the course of incident #2, that I was Bipolar (Manic Depressive), but I just thought it basically meant I was extremely depressed and the depression was due to the events and stresses in my life.

Now I realize, or I believe, that it is a condition that should be closely monitored and cared for. Even when I think I'm okay, I should be monitoring and watching for signs of a curve ball in my path.

I had completely gone off of all depression medication and thought I was doing so well because I was happily married and had been trying to have a baby. We do have that baby now and, in fact, he was not quite a year old when all of this began with his older sister. It took a couple of years to conceive him so I really had been off of the medication for around 5 years or so by the time I began to deal with what was about to turn my life upside down.